I’m getting lost in the beauty of life again. Its sights, its sounds, its smells, its joys to graciously hug thy heart. It’s all reigning over me, and raining on my skin, kissing my being like I’m worth every breath, like I’m worth every heartbeat, every laugh, every tear. These moments of appreciation come and go, but when they arrive, they stay with me for quite some time. They nest in my soul and remind me why life is beautiful, why life should be experienced to its fullest and never ended by a single moment of disappointment. They’re moments reminding me to slow down and love… everything.
Since when did compliments become words like fire, phrases to scare away the ones we like? I held my mouth shut and you were still interested, and I could see that interest growing deeper… So I opened my mouth, not thinking what it would do, only thinking it was what you wanted, that you wanted my words, my interest. I was wrong. I can see you picking up your feet, packing up everything you’ve settled around me in comfort, I can see you ready to leave. And I remember now, I remember why I stopped dating. Because there’s unnecessary codes one is to understand, there’s games one needs to know how to play, rules and boundaries unseen that one is expected to see. It’s so much bullshit merely to find yourself on the path to saying, “I love you”, to someone who could give two fucks about you. Fuck playing these games. I know why I stopped.
Just finished Bioshock Infinite. Aside from all the bugs, it is one of the most beautiful games I’ve ever played. I wasn’t sure how they were planning on doing the ending but it turned out just as I hoped it would. It definitely lives up to the previous titles.
What happened to romance with words? What happened to times when it was regular to appreciate good poetry, when literature could be used to spill emotion from the heart and swoon another, when words were what a man could show off to please a lady instead of a fancy car, instead of “swag”. Such times have passed and have yet to begin again. I lay in bed and wonder to myself if such a love could still ever exist, one where dialogue and conversation could be exchanged poetically, immensely, and deep with emotion in the crafting of words expressing love for one another. I want to intertwine with another soul through the gift of language. I want to find someone who appreciates being my muse; someone who isn’t afraid of me writing about them, or for them… Someone who isn’t afraid of becoming immortal.
You know what sucks? When you sleep to escape loneliness, only to end up dreaming about trying to love someone who is constantly pushing you away… that feeling of trying to do something that you frustratingly cannot, no matter how hard you try.
I saw you again today. A silent hello made its existence known by the exchange of stares. You’re so delicate, but speak so radiantly. But what do I know? We haven’t even exchanged words. I’ve only heard you speak to others and you’ve only heard me speak aloud. At least, I hope you’ve heard me… For all I know, I may have just been part of the ambiance in the room. Distant and dim in contrast with your being. Yet your soul hums when it’s near me. I walked by you today, a foot away, and the sound of that humming warmed my heart; it left me in awe. It was a bittersweet moment, knowing how deep it would resonate and how soon it would end. It’s bittersweet just looking at you, because every time I do, you’re so beautiful and it reminds me I’ll probably never talk to you, I’ll probably never share laughs with you. Every time I put my heart out there, anytime I show interest, I’m humiliated. You probably have a boyfriend that you’ve been with for years or I’m not your type or you’d play my heart and then runaway. Hell, you might not even find me interesting at all. It’s not worth the effort. My silly attraction to someone isn’t worth being humiliated by them. The more time goes by, the more beautiful women I meet, I become more and more hopeless. But no matter how hopeless I may become, I’ll always be a romantic.
Star Wars 1313 was impressing people beyond belief and now Disney gave up the back bone of the Star Wars gaming industry, Lucas Arts. What a stupid move if you ask me. That’s definitely a way to show you’re staying true to the fans (sarcasm). Then again, they might be making a smart move by broadening the developers, but they should have at least made Lucas Arts in charge, like what Bethesda has become.
Familiar faces of forever foreign people surround my existence in this town. And as long as I’m here, in this quicksand of a location, it’s inescapable. I want to meet new people. And even though the chances are slim, I want to meet honest people, people with integrity. People who don’t need a sturdy amount of vice to make their life feel ‘right’ or ‘justified’. I know those people exist, for there’s a few in my life. But this cycle of immaturity, and selfishness here is becoming sickening. The youth, broken and breaking.
I’m hoping either I find a spot of hope here, new people to shed a new light on my perspective of this shattered city, or enough strength to make it until I move.